i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
