My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
