Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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