If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
