Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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