I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
4 words: hood of his car
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
