I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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