a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize