I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
