I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
