Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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