I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
