I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize