the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
