shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
