Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
