The best revenge is premature balding
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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