when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
