My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
