a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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