My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
