this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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