And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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