she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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