I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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