I'm sorry my penis didn't work
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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