All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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