we made out on top of his cat.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
