don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
