omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
