so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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