I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
