I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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