My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
