In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm like, not good at living.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
