thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
