He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
