Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
