some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize