i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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