Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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