you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
