You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
