I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
