Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
