so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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