Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize