I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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