Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
