Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
