I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
