My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
