omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize