is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
