dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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