I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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