I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
