you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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