Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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