he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
