Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize