We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize